The Morningside Hospital Health System is being sued by two local men who claim the hospital switched their wives after outpatient surgery six months ago.
Tyler Burkett of Beauvina County and David “Diddy” Buncombe of Makeshift agreed to speak with reporters with the understanding that their wives’ names would remain confidential. Burkett’s wife underwent day surgery for “female problems” while Buncombe’s wife attended the same clinic for what the suit describes only as an “an adjustment.”
Documents submitted to the court allege that the Medical Center then released the women to the wrong husbands. When asked how this could happen, the two men said the women were groggy at the time. According to the plaintiffs, both women have long hair and “similar attitudes.”
The two were not forthcoming about how they could have missed what to many would seem like an obvious mistake. When asked by authorities to describe his wife’s eye color, Burkett replied “beady.” Buncombe likewise said his wife “has a little tattoo, but I don’t ever get to see it.”
Each man came to realize the error in a slightly different way. Burkett first become suspicious when his “wife” drank whiskey during the week, when in fact his real wife previously stuck strictly to vodka until the weekends. Buncombe said he noticed his house was unusually tranquil. “Like in the jungle movies when Tarzan says it’s too quiet and you know the headhunters are going to jump out of the trees.”
Buncombe is demanding compensation for “loss of conjugation” and Burkett for “alien affection.” At first, the amount of the suit was unclear as Buncombe said he wanted “what he deserves.” His attorney quickly issued a retraction and set the figure at $6 million.
“We can sympathize with the pain of anyone who is forced to share a wife against his will, but the Health System believes this suit is without merit,” said Medical Center spokesperson and Chief of Drive-through Surgery, Milton Beasley, M.D.
“We’ve instituted elaborate measures to ensure just this sort of thing never happens,” he added. These include techniques recommended by various state agencies, like banding and tagging each patient before release. “It’s proven extremely effective for Natural Resources,” said Beasley. “We’re also considering ear notching if it will reduce anxiety among our risk management people.”
Human Resources Strike Force director, Barbara Stone emphasized the Health System has taken prompt action in the wake of the suit. “We cannot afford even the appearance of laxity,” said Stone. “So, we have already dismissed eight probationary sanitation workers who had numerous misspellings on their applications and, in one case, a six-digit zip code. In addition, all Health System staff will undergo training in how to tell one person from another.”
The Morningside Hospital Health System has been recognized nationally for its clinical care and been mentioned in several late-night show monologues.
There has been no word as to the disposition of the two women, who are reported to be suffering the lingering effects of self-induced anesthesia. Attorneys say only that negotiations between the two men are continuing.
Image: Sasin Tipcha on Pixabay
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