Encore
[As we prepare to say good-bye/riddance to forced, fulltime online school, here’s a sentimental glance back at what we look forward to missing.]
Hello? Testing. Can they hear me? Oh, OK.
Hi, everybody. It’s your principal, Ms. Stanforth.
Welcome back — wherever you are — to Meadow Plains High, home of the Rutting Bisons! Ungh! Ungh!
Well we’re off to a new school year of excellence in learning! This year at MPH is special in a different way as we use lots of distance learning through the magic of the Internet! Our teachers are up in arms at the chance to “meet” with you this space-age electronic way!
Let’s listen in to a little sampling of courses already being offered in all your favorite subjects.
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[Physics – Mr. Stygian]
…Chemistry and Physics we study how molecules behave and how energy and matter interact.
Last time you searched your houses for compounds mentioned in mystery novels as potential poisons. Those of you who found such compounds were urged to move in with trusted relatives until the authorities discovered why the substances were there.
Today we won’t be going to the authorities. Instead we’re going to explore how chemical energy can be converted into kinetic energy. You’ll need some materials from the garage, starting with:
- Fertilizer
- Motor oil
- Aluminum foil
- A 9-volt battery
When you come back, we’ll combine our ingredients while we talk about ways that our crumbling society needs only a nudge toward the abyss…
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[Art – Mrs. Arthur]
Hello, everyone. Welcome to Art Is All Around. I’m your instructor Mrs. Arthur. You can remember me because my name begins with “art.”
Let’s start with a tried-and-true project that brought a lot of smiles when I first used it with students over 40 years ago.
We’ll see that you don’t need a bunch of fancy supplies to make art. You can use objects that you find right around your own home. So, go look for:
- A cigar box
- Several pipe cleaners
- Empty spools from your Mom’s sewing basket
Bring them back and we’ll make an old-fashioned hay wagon that really rolls.
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[AP English – Mr. Shelley]
…aspire to more than just “college credit” for passing this course. Think big! If you have to trade your divine gift for baubles, at least shoot for a Nobel Prize.
Flare those nostrils, people. Stop plodding in step and start dancing!
Carpe diem!
Look at that word “carpe.” It doesn’t say “request” the day, or “hope for” the day, or “order it online.”
I want you to stand up wherever you are. Right now. Start running in place. I’m going to put on some West African drum music to help. Keep moving.
Dance until your legs quiver and crumple on you! Dance until you can’t think straight.
Then write whatever comes into what’s left of your mind. Just write.
I want you to CARPE that Muse by the throat and shake her down!
I’ll be back later to see how it’s going…
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[French III – Mlle. Degage ]
Camus was one of the primary voices in the French Existential movement and his novel, L’Etranger one of the most widely read and respected of that genre. Hidden within its apparent simplicity of expression, are profound articulations of the era’s views on the absence of externally moderated “meaning” in life, a concept which was as thrilling to many young, disillusioned intellectuals of the time as it was scandalous to the bourgeoisie and established religion.
Before we delve into its deeper implications, I’d like you to open your copies of the book and highlight all the feminine adjectives you can find.
Raise your hand electronically when you’ve finished.
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[Physical Education –Coach Snyzrik]
OK we’re gonna work on major muscle groups in the upper body using resistance techniques. So you’ll need some weights. If you have a set of barbells and plates, you’re all set. If your parents have one of those sissy rubber-band machines gathering dust in the den, that’ll work, too, I guess.
The rest of you will just have to find a bunch of stuff around the house from medium light to seriously heavy.
A lot of people use things from the freezer. Turkeys are good because you can get into that 20-25-pound range. Cast iron pans are great for bicep and forearm work.
One guy even weighed his little brothers and sisters and lined ‘em up in order. Then he lifted ‘em one by one or in combinations until he could bench press the whole family.
Careful though. Normally we’d have a spotter, but maybe you could just arrange for a parent or whoever to check on you once in a while. I’ll try to watch out in the video windows on my screen and if I see you’re not moving, I’ll call 911.
I’ll also give you a tentative F until you produce a note from the EMTs.
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Hearing Coach Snyzrik reminds me that the school board says we can no longer have the pair of Rutting Bison mascots, only one. Also, the costume of Bully Bison has been sent for alterations to make it more acceptable to all members of our Meadow Plains community.
But our spirit is still Number 1! So let’s stampede into an unforgettable new year!
Go…Bison!
Image: StockSnap from Pixabay
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