Granny’s Goo Goes Hollywood

Big Advertising techniques can take your home remedy from the kitchen to Wall Street!

Does your family have a special cure handed down from generation to generation? Something that sooths the “miseries,” jinxes off warts, or puts a spring back in your step?

It might be as simple as a magical chicken soup. Or as complicated as Granny Hibbert’s poultice that she stirred up from squirrel fat, Deer Bane, and runoff from the sausage plant.

No matter, when Grandpa took it, he went from clogged to clogging. And after one dose, the kids never asked to stay home from school again.

So how come the big drug companies are making money hand-over-fistula with their fancy drugs that may not work half as well as homemade?

Is it the shiny laboratories? All those “scientists” with their big names for simple twinges?

Well, partly. But you don’t need all that folderol to hit it big. You need their real secret weapon – advertising!

That’s what turns two cents’ worth of beetle dust and cornstarch into a $50 prescription.

Your turn

Now you can peek behind the curtain to see how big companies put together those shiny ads on the TV. Once you know the “formula” for drug ads, you can make your own.

Here are the basic parts of a typical drug commercial along with some suggestions to help you get started. Fill in the information about your salve, elixir, or tonic.

Recruit a young person with one of those phone cameras. Presto, you’re on your way.

1. Show the problem

First, dip people in the glooms for a bit. For those who know they’re suffering, it gets their attention and shows you understand. For those that don’t realize they’re unhappy, why should they get to bask in their blissful ignorance? Show them suffering’s just around the corner.

Always film this part in black and white.

Focus on the victim sitting alone looking worried, or full-tilt forlorn depending on how much you plan to charge.

Some helpful background elements:

• Show a spouse looking tired but supportive – for the thousandth time (and glancing toward the door)
• And nothing beats the sight of a disappointed child

2. The big discovery

Introduce your new cure that will change their life.

Women: A “doctor” in a starched white coat points to a piece of paper while the respectful and curious woman looks on attentively with a first glimmer of hope in her eyes.

Men: A burly friend sets down his sledgehammer and confesses he used to have the same problem. His buddy looks surprised. Manly friend picks up the drug package and lets buddy in on the secret, then hands him the box. After which, they get back to sawing/fishing/grilling.

3. Easy-Peezy

Show somebody using the product (unless that turns your stomach or uncovers moist, flappy parts of the body’s temple.)

If it’s a pill, have the actor look at it. Don’t show them swallowing anything. They might squint and shudder. And besides, taking a pill makes them look like a sick person.

If it’s an ointment, have them smooth it gently on their arm, or a shapely leg if you can find one. The goo shouldn’t be shiny or greasy looking. In fact, you shouldn’t see it at all. You only want people to notice the smile.

If it’s a suppository, just show the box.

4. A New World Beckons

Now, crank up the color bigtime.

Show folks looking out at a glorious display of sun over water. (This can be young people on the East Coast basking in the dawn of new possibilities or an older West Coast couple ready to enjoy their remaining time to the fullest.)

You can also show the opposite of the problem scene:

• Child playing a board game with the former sufferer
• Husband holding patient’s hand by candlelight counting the minutes until his prescription kicks in

5. Disclaimer

The lawyers make you say this. It’s just the P.S., so keep it small and quick. You might as well just copy from the boxes at the drugstore.

Basically, it says:

• The product may not work.
• It could cause all kinds of side effects, some of them worse than the original problem.
• Don’t blame us if you were stupid enough to use this stuff.
• And besides, you probably didn’t follow directions.

Go for it!

Finally, post your “ad” on those new “social media.” (Ask your young photographer.)

Then start planting a few acres of Deer Bane and herding some squirrels. You’re gonna need another stove on the porch to cook up enough tonic when those orders start pouring in.

Images –  Retro kitchen: Oberholster Venita/Pixabay
Woman and clocks: pixel12013/Pixabay
Child and bear: lisa runnels/Pixabay
Doctor and woman: Sminthsonian Collection
Woman with fur and pills: cottonbro/Pexels
Sunset couple: papagnoc/Pixabay

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