Brick Nelson
“Logorrhea Today“
WTMI Radio
Lost in the clamor of recent events, a discovery that promises unimaginable societal changes has been overlooked by distracted media. Scientists at North by Northwestern University have succeeded in isolating the molecular building blocks of duct tape.
That’s right, the powerful force that holds together heating vents, cheap vinyl car seats, and the Uzbek space program has yielded its deepest secrets to a team of tenacious and socially challenged researchers.
Here to give us some insight into the search and its meaning is the head of that team, Dr. Drek Flushing. Dr. Flushing, thank you for taking time out from your bench work to fill us in on the drama of this breakthrough.
Dr. Flushing
OK
WTMI
Dr. Flushing, how did you manage to finally trap this elusive particle?
DF
We first tried boiling down duct tape itself, but we didn’t have any solvents or explosives that could make a dent.
Then we started looking for anything that seemed impossible to get rid of. We got ahold of some examples, and then kind of rooted around in them until we hit something interesting.
WTMI
I’m sure there was a little more finesse involved in the actual technique.
DF
Well, we tried extracting fat cells from thighs and love handles. They seemed pretty stubborn, but the particle density was just not fine enough.
Besides, have you ever watched what comes sucking through clear surgical tubing when you put a number 8 needle up into those saddlebags?
WTMI
No, and we have good reason not to.
DF
Oh, OK. Well, anyway we realized that the one thing that probably stuck best was song lyrics, the dumber the better. Think about the singalong at your last high school reunion. That’s real staying power.
So we hijacked some classical music students, strapped them into a chair with headphones and played “It’s a Small World After All” over and over for about 20 minutes. When they started screaming, we rushed in and took blood samples. Their brains had actually produced duct tape molecules.
WTMI
That’s…brilliant – in a frightening sort of way
DF
Of course, the federal government got wind of it and those Nervous Nellies on the ethics board shut us down. But not before we had a batch of the stickiest little molecules you could ever hope for.
WTMI
Besides its beauty as basic science, what are some of the practical applications of such a breakthrough? What new products or services should we be looking for in the stores?
DF
Depends on whether we’re talking small scale, diluted mixes or heavy-duty concentrates.
If you were to purify an extract, there’s almost no limit to the binding power of this stuff. You could paint it on some plywood and lay it in the jungle and you’d have a Roach Motel for tigers.
We’ve even had some interest from the defense department. If our calculations are right, they could squirt some onto plutonium and set off nuclear test blasts in a phone booth. Like a big atomic sneeze.
WTMI
That’s impressive, but are there any commercial applications a little closer to home?
DF
Sure. You could mix some as a food additive for your pets and they’d never shed again.
Put it on toupees and go bungee jumping. Be sure you get the rug on straight the first time though.
Spray an aerosol around your house and no more vacuuming. Just wait for all the dust kittens to clump up and then toss the resulting hairball out in one heave-ho.
WTMI
In your opinion, what’s the greatest potential application of the duct tape molecule?
DF
Hmmm. If you were to atomize a thin layer of this on the insides of wedding rings…Well, just think of the implications.
It would mean the end of country music as we know it.
WTMI
We knew you would change our world, but we had no idea how profoundly. Thank you, Dr. Flushing.
Image: Karolina Grabowska on Pexels
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