Thule, Greenland — Early reports from an international scientific team measuring the thickness of polar ice have been confirmed. China’s Foreign Ministry today admitted the existence of a new outpost directly over the North Pole. This artificially created island, “Arctica,” is being touted by China as a “renegade province” and thus under PRC control.
In fact, the “island” is really a Styrofoam matrix encased in ice and anchored to the seabed by a high-tensile nanofiber cable.
Reaction from governments around the world has been almost uniformly critical, calling the claim “brazen,” “ludicrous,” and “mystifying” and dismissing its legitimacy out of hand.
The stakes are more than academic. China is threatening to charge royalty payments for anyone using the term “North” in navigation and geography. The People’s Liberation Army Navy has printed maps showing Canada and the United States forming the continent of “Upper America.” It has even changed the names of “North” states to “Other Dakota” and “Better Carolina” in an effort to sow dissent within the US.
Major powers in the contested zone, such as Canada, Russia, Denmark, and Amazon have announced plans to coordinate their response to this unforeseen challenge. Amazon is a partner, not just because of its global clout, but in response to subterfuge by the People’s Republic. China ordered Prime delivery of 350 Martha Stewart oven mitts to the outpost in a crafty attempt to gain formal recognition.
Military implications have not been lost on countries traversing sea and air space in the region. General George “Grudge” Wrankle, commander of the 3rd Marine North Atlantic Expeditionary Group observed in a confidential tweet, “Hell, it’s a damn lollypop. Give me a wet suit and some bolt cutters and that thing’ll be floating off the coast of Katmandu.”
“All options are on the table,” says the UN Security Council and armed response plans are being developed. The Pentagon had already war-gamed scenarios for attacks on Antarctica, including long-range bombing sorties out of Tierra del Fuego and area denial by trained suicide penguins. However, defending what had until now been open ocean presents new challenges.
A source in the Defense Department spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity because releasing the information would be treason. The basic plan, codenamed Steadfast Santa, is to head North, from anywhere, and keep going until the compass begins to read South, then take one step back and blow things up.
Collateral damage includes disruptions in the local ecosystem. A multinational flotilla of ice floes is being assembled to help evacuate polar bears caught in the contested area. Drives by schoolchildren in Oslo and Vermont are collecting ice cubes to contribute to the effort.
But China remains firm, citing not historical claims this time but the fact that “from the Pole, the whole world is East.” So far, this jingoistic non sequitur has proven puzzling enough to stymie international legal experts.
But world leaders can agree that, in the face of global warming, this is the worst place on earth for a hot spot.
Image: Andrea Spallanzani in Pixabay
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