Has anyone died in your town in the last 300 years?
This isn’t morbid curiosity; it’s a marketing question. In terms of boosterism and civic prosperity, forget parking meters and speed traps. The real money is in ghost tours.
Lots of small (but very important!) towns have already found that a shiver down the spine shakes the loose change out of tourist pockets. And those burgs don’t have any special claim to ethereal commerce. Just a few props, good scripts, and citizens who can keep a straight face.
So don’t worry if you’re not lucky enough to have a local celebrity like Jack the Ripper. You can start from scratch using the basic outline below. Just fill in whatever applies to your little Meadowvale, Pokey Corners, or whatever.
The results will have the hair bristling on the back of your neck, even though you made it all up yourself.
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Universal Ghost Script
Welcome to [Your town here], the ghost capital of
- the Free World
- Nebraska
- Tooner County
Scientists still can’t explain why this place has so many paranormal occurrences. Maybe it’s magnetic flux, or alien vibrations in the soil from ancient encounters. Or maybe this is the doorway to a netherworld parallel to our own.
Let’s start our tour and please keep hold of the special group rope at all times. We’re determined not to lose another guest.
Our first stop is the old
- Hinkston mansion
- town playhouse
- Shoo Fly Saloon
In the year 1867, an innocent young woman named Nancy Suggins
- was seduced by a Yankee carpetbagger
- stepped on the tail of her rabid Shih Tzu
- showed her ankle to the parson
and became so distraught, she
- waded into the Sassafras River
- leaped from the belfry of the Methodist church
- poked the mule with a knitting needle
They say that when
- the moon is full
- Jupiter aligns with Mars
- swallows come back to Capistrano
at the top of the stairs, you can see a
- pale young woman twirling a parasol
- dashing cavalry officer sharpening his saber
- spectral chihuahua gnawing a rubber taco
Over here, we have the site of the
- first bingo tournament in North America
- demon locust swarm of ‘09
- great Rin Tin Tin Mine disaster
One winter day, totally without warning, over 50
- women and children
- fraternity brothers
- paying tourists much like you
were swept away by a great rush of
- ghost kittens in the sky
- uneaten candy corn
- Walmart shoppers
never to be seen again.
But each year at the winter solstice, you can faintly hear
- the moaning of the damned
- indistinct muttering about cellulite
- “Silver Bells”
Finally, we arrive at Tenebrae Memorial Gardens, last stop for our tour and for many of the local townsfolk.
Who hasn’t heard of the famous Macintosh Sisters, who notoriously
- carved their parents into dress patterns
- wore white after Labor Day
- mixed scotch with Diet Fanta
There had been murmurings about their strange behavior for years, but because their family owned
- the lumber mill
- the town paper
- a collection of incriminating letters and photographs
no one dared to intervene – until it was too late. However, justice was swift. The two were
- burned in Efigy, the next town over
- walled up in an abandoned Waffle House
- dressed in disco outfits and left for dead
That concludes our ghostly tour. Reach out to be sure your buddy’s hand is still on the rope. And continue feeling all the way up to their shoulder. The local ghosts have played some gruesome pranks on past groups.
Thank you for your kind attention. Please be generous to your guides and remember: you can’t take it with you.
……………………………
So there you have it. Now go gussy up an old hearse (or just paint a station wagon black), pipe in a little Halloween music, and watch the money materialize out of thin air.
Image: David Drummond /Pixabay
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